I mean many moons ago, your great grandad would be out playing on his bike when he’d eye up wee Peggy-sue from down the street. now Peggy-sue’s not much of a looker but there’s not many birds about and there’s not really any means of transport. A tidy bird back then was like a shiny charizard pokemon card, ever elusive.
Anyhow your great, great grandad has accepted the fact that he’s merely a tattie picking farm boy and decides to have a pop at wee Peggy-sue. Peggy-sue couldn’t be a wee hussy and text Jimmy
Parker from the next village cause she didn’t have a house phone never mind a mobile so they both just accepted their fate and that’s how your great grandad and grandma got together. They weren’t that into each other but it wasn’t an era to be fussy so they got married anyways at the young age of 20, and continued the generation which would eventually continue to bring you to fruition.
Nowadays, you wouldn’t dream of dating wee Peggy-sue cause she’s only a 7/10 and your mates would rip you but you’d still try it on in the sly and hope nobody found out. You’re really more interested in Melissa the hairdresser cause she’s a 9/10. But she’s too busy texting Barry from the football team but he’s not interested, cause he’s got his eyes on some posh hussy who’s a perfect 10.
So nobody really gets anywhere and you find yourself single and alone, taking a snog from some random girl you meet. You’re slightly disappointed with the sex cause you’ve watched too much porn.You continue to exist with your shallow mindset, cold and alone. You tell yourself you’re too good to lower yourself to online dating but tinder doesn’t count, cause everyone uses tinder right? It’s not embarrassing cause it’s just a “hook up app”.
This continues for many years before you end up sitting in a pub with your dog and a pint of Belhaven reminiscing about your life and wishing that you’d just went with Peggy-sue. But you didn’t, cause you lived your life to a false set of societal values in order to fit in. You take a sip of your pint then you look up, that’s when you realise, everyone else did too. There’s Melissa the old hairdresser, sitting alone with a gin-n-tonic and her pink rollers in. Oh and look, there’s Barry putting “Frank Sinatra – My Way” on the jukebox and pretending that he’s still a legend.
It’s at this point you realise you’re gonna need something stronger than Belhaven, so you order a double whisky.
Dating 21st century life eh?!
– Written by Macaulay Moodycliff.
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