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Dear Sarah,
I have been dating a guy for a while, but there are things I don’t like about him. Is it ever going to be possible to change him? Or will have to accept him as he is? – Helen from Norfolk
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Dear Helen,
The answer is short but sweet. You can’t get anyone to change unless they are willing. Change is progressive and often a choice and sometimes in relationships we can grow together or we can grow apart, the key aspect is communication along the way. When we seize to clearly communicate what we what and what we need we do ourselves an injustice and also we leave too much room for grey areas in love.

If you find that the person who you have partnered with doesn’t quite fit the bill of your expectations in some aspects of their actions, values or personality then the real question should be – is it something you can let go of or be willing to accept as you compromise and meet in the middle?

When we date we see differences between ourselves and the other person in our courtship and it’s those very differences that set us apart and spark intrigue, interest and the mystery proceeds to ignite our emotional and erotic curiosity. When we begin to get more attached and the dating phase turns into a relationship we begin to forge the gap of our differences and sense of separateness to get closer to a feeling of oneness.

What’s important to know is that it’s that separateness that two singles initially brought to the table is the very thing that brings longevity in love, keeps the mystery alive and if they don’t affect the foundations of your romantic future then those difference should remain just so. Separateness in individual passions, hobbies, interests, career goals and travel are all things that lay concrete foundations for interesting conversations and a fulfilled relationship and life together.

With that said, if the changes you would like the other person to make seem to rock you to your core, it may mean that you have different values, communication styles or you are not actively listening to each other enough to have your needs met in the courtship or relationship.

If you find that the changes you would like him to make are indeed un-let-go-able then ask yourself are they affecting your needs for emotional, intellectual, physical fulfilment and do they sway you further away from a sense of security in your partnership and if so, why? Working out what it is that you need and why it is you need him to change will help you figure out if you can pave the way to this together or not.

XX
Sarah,
Relationship Expert
Love Lessons