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Dear Sarah,
I have been ghosted twice now, and it’s really knocked my confidence. How can I deal with this please?
– Debbie from Surrey

Dear Debbie,
Ghosting, to be clear for those of you hearing this term for this first time, is a way of exiting a romantic scenario with someone, often without a word. It can happen in online dating, early stages of offline dating, in relationships and can happen in marriages too. Unfortunately, it is something that has become more common than uncommon in the modern love, especially when meeting new people in the early stages – think of it as a Houdini act or someone exiting left stage ever so silently so they don’t have to experience the turmoil that comes with parting romantic ways.

If you’ve experienced ghosting I’m sorry to hear that and I want you to know something very, very important. Ghosting is never about the person who was ghosted, it’s always about the person doing the ghosting, who perhaps has an inability to deal with their emotions and who doesn’t quite have the tools in their box to communicate clearly what they want and what it is that they don’t want, in love and perhaps in life.

Being ghosted can be tough no matter if you are in a marriage that has had one party exit or if you are in the early stages of online dating and getting to know someone who simply disappears. It doesn’t really matter the length of time in which you have invested your energy into someone or a romantic something, the depth in which you have invested emotionally really is what can get us to our core.

If we take a good look at the idea that the ghosting is/was never about you but more about the person doing the ghosting not being able to deal and so they ducked out. By doing this you can work towards understanding is that this relationship or situationship in the long run wasn’t your door to open and it’s now time to invest in getting to know you better by exploring what it is that you want and really tapping into understanding what you deserve in life and in love going forward.

Ghosting can be most trying on the heart when someone doesn’t have the closure on the relationship that we all want as human beings when a line has been drawn in the sand, romantically speaking. A way in which we can move forward emotionally from ghosting is by taking stock of all the lessons we have learnt about ourselves, about our relationships and about what we are willing to accept in love and what we are not.

In order to fully comprehend the stages of which we move through a loss of love, it’s a good idea to investigate the 5 stages in which we grieve. Ghosting is a loss either of a relationship or thoughts of a relationship we envisioned we were going to have. Throughout the stages of grief we experience denial, low feelings, bargaining, anger and then finally, acceptance. It’s important to work through understanding the stages, to then sit with them and be at peace with whichever stage you are in. Eventually when you arrive at acceptance, you can practice the art of letting go.

When we are able to let go we make space for what is meant to be and this can open the doors for greater self-care or in fact for welcoming a special someone who’s door you were meant to open.

XX
Sarah,
Relationship Expert
Love Lessons